A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
By connection do you mean me drunkenly grinding my ass on his lap for an extended period of time? If so, then yes, we had a "connection"
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Randomize
