whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
