My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Randomize