I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
Randomize
