Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Randomize
