Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize