A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
All I can see in the pic you sent is white shorts...
Thas my pasnts in colleg! Tehy glow! AND SMELL LIKE BEER!
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
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