i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
This girl added me on fb and has all these pics of her kissing her little brother saying i will love you forever. I'm creeped out.
maybe it's her son
thats not any better.
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
