I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
Randomize
