Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
I cant watch the real world now after jersey shore. its like trying to go back to vagina once uve had anal
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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