i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Randomize
