Slut skills are useful in every country.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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