The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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