Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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