after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
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