Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
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