last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
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