Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
Randomize
