I got chris browned last night
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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