Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
Randomize
