i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
