Swine flu. Run for my life!
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
Randomize
