Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
