Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Randomize
