I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
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