My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Too much gin, very little bucket
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
