i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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