i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
