I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
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