omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
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