you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Randomize
