I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Randomize
