it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Randomize
