SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
