Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
Randomize
