I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Randomize
