yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
Hippo gnu deer
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Randomize
