Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
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