My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
My ass is underappreciated
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
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