You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
