I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
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