1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
