My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Randomize
