Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
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