I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
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