So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
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