sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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