Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
thanks for not wanting to stay all night or talk or anything, nice to have a fuck buddy who really doesnt take the buddy part serious
I'm all about the fuck
Randomize
