Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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