Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
you never un-have a 4some
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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