Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Randomize
