jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
