Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
