this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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