I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
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