Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Randomize
