I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
My vagina is officially offended.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
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