Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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