He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
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