i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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