They should really pass out barf bags in church
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
Positive reviews on angieslist?
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