Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize
