I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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