Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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