Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Randomize
